post dali

things seem a little different

r

"Rasakan abadi
Sekalipun kau mengerti
Sekalipun kau pahami
Ku pikir ku salah mengertimu

Aku hanya ingin kau tahu
Besarnya cintaku
Tingginya khayalku bersamamu

Tuk lalui waktu yang tersisa kini
Di setiap hariku
Di sisa akhir nafas hidupku"

back in my element

back in uni

not for a minute can i ever dream of losing you

.

"do you like films?"

"yes. how do you know?"

"because you're still here"



remember last week when you ajak me for breakfast, but you were late and we ended up having lunch instead, and your office had a H1N1 outbreak, but you didn't care and made very inappropriate jokes, and then we looked over the presentations with ali, and you were advising the newbies about how important it was to draw upon life experiences, and you showed me your new advertisements, and then you told me that i have to accept people for who they are, and you asked me if i wanted to do architecture, and i said i wanted to do everything, and then you decided to tumpang my car and i took you to Tv3 for your meeting, but the CEO wasn't there so i guess the meeting had to be adjourned to the following week cause you had to to take a plane to langkawi to celebrate your father's sevety-seventh birthday?


"not one less."


you taught me so much about film-making, about love, about life.

i love you mak.

in good hands

old:

kish
yasmin
vernon
iyra
ajjie
abby
shyn


new:

francis
ismail
ami
dato
gerwin
hafizi
hazrin
rowena
ahmad
syed
aj
ali
shereen
hajah zu
"liza"
elyna
farah
zul
lisa
bernice
the three policemen
and my online buddies

in the span of six weeks
i made at least a dozen new friends
and reacquainted with some old friends

to some i became quite close with
at least in my mind
but who knows what is real and what is not

cause people slip away when you least expect it

thank you
for spending time with me
i needed the company

i love each and every one of you.

a summary

"do you want to go to the shout awards?"

"eh. you're not going?"

"no. my father turns 77 soon, and i want to celebrate his birthday with him in langkawi. seventy-seven. we don't know how much time he has left"

....

"so what do you want in life?"

"i want to be loved"

"but you are loved!"

"... ok (who, really?).
then ... i don't know what i want"

"exactly. nobody really knows what they want"

....




this is my seven week holiday in a nutshell:

i lost the love of my life within the first two days

and in the final two days
the woman who cares for me like her own son
the one i owe my life for
fell into a comatose

tonight is a good night

i don't live for
dramas

and today
life is free of worries

i have so many people to thank for
especially you

i have to thank
you.

tonight, was a good night

a moment of clarity

1. primo

last night, we were supposed to hang out at a friend's house, but then i decided to go to a club. just because. we were there ten minutes before the place got raided. i have a problem you see : i can't pee when told to. this happens even in hospitals.

"engkau tak merokok kan?"

"m'rokok"

"tapi bibir kau merah lah. betul ke ni?"

"yeah"

"so bapak kau kerja apa?"

i could have been reprimanded. i tried to pee for hours. at the end of the night, in a miraculous twist of fate, i got a policeman to voluntarily pee into my cup. yes, i did.

"ni yang last ni mesti sangkut", said (another) policeman as i handed the cup to be tested

ten minutes later, i left a free man. i drove back home, and witnessed, a lone white bird flying towards me.



2. secondi

another strange thing happened last night. i came back home really late. and really tired. i took off my pants and went straight to bed, and shut my eyes. for once, i experienced blackness. then i said a little prayer.

"i knew i'd sleep well today" :)

moments later. my eyelids shut. i felt a flick of 'light'. i did not think much of this, because i have felt 'it' before. at times the flickering is so intense i wouldn't be able to sleep at all. but last night, it was just a flick, followed by blackness. i opened my eyes, slowly.

and right in front of me a closet door was left open.

strange. i looked intently into the closet interior, searching for something i did not know existed. perhaps i should have felt fear. but, on the contrary, i felt really safe, and calm, and relaxed.

the closet door incident also happened a week ago, but i never thought much of it then. and it happened again later in afternoon, i remember shutting the closet door and found it, yet again, open. i asked everyone at home if they looked into my closet. but no one did.

perhaps this was its way of telling me of its existence. and that perhaps ... i should trust my instincts a little more. or perhaps i'm just bat-shit crazy



3. dolce


"you look familiar. what do you do?"

"architecture"

"i'm in architecture! but interior architecture"

"no way?! so where do you plan to go next"

"boston, or melbourne university"

"you're kidding me. i'm in melbourne uni!"

...

a moment before, from the steps, a boy came out of nowhere, hiding in the club store room, and asked me "what's going on?". "a raid. narcotics" i told him.

"i'm underage. and i might get busted of they tested me"

thank god he was safe.

retake

words are precious. through words we express what we feel. through words we validate ourselves and others. through words we love. through words we hurt. through words we try to understand. through words we speak the truth. though words we speak a lesser truth. through words we lie and hide. through words we anticipate reactions. through words we make promises. through words we live by.

words are very important to me.

we are blessed with the ability to say things. whatever we want to say. however we want to say. in what we chose to say, positive words or negative words, speaks of whether we appreciate what we so often take for granted.

"speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret"

but speak when you love, you will never regret

bosan

lapar.

the pessimist and the sentimental

"are you a pessimist?"

"ha! is it that obvious?"

"no not really. just a question" :)

"it is not that i have no faith in people.
just ... situations"

"it does not hurt to be ... sentimental, sometimes"

victorious

i live in a free country
and i realize that i can do whatever the fuck i want to !

today is one of those days
where one thing led to another
and suddenly i was transported to a world i had not known before
i am a small fry
but it was a valuable learning experience

oh, and a friend told me i look a lot better now
compared to last month
and i am reminded of another friend's advice
"you have to take care of yourself. and look good"
and i'm working on that right now
and i ate dinner
three times today!

:)
anyhow
sure i think it sucks
to be alone and all
but i am becoming the person that i want to be
and heck
if i'm lucky enough
i won't spend my life alone
but with someone who loves me for who i am

and i shall live ethically
unlike some people
i am aware of the consequences of my actions
how it affects others

we don't live forever
but we can chose the way in which we lead our lives

be honest. be intelligent. and be nice.





and hey
i know you miss me ;p you'll never admit this but i know you do

kampungku

my late grandfather built this house
he was no carpenter
he was a rubber tapper
my guess is that construction began in the early 50s
initially built on my late grandmother's property
a dispute over the land occurred
so
atuk had to move the house
two lots away
on the land he owns
and he did along with the kampung folks
in the 50s in kampung pachitan
they didn't have electricity or sanitation
nak baca buku kena nyalakan lampun kerosin
nak mandi pulak guna air perigi

as you may have guessed from this
i do not come from family of elites or intellects
people tend to assume things

returning to this place i left so long ago
now inhabited by squirrels and insects and spiders
experiencing its decay
and abandonment

gives me an overwhelming sense of humility

4

jam empat pagi
naik gila aku dibuatnya
kelopak mata ku lelap
namun bayangan-bayangan
bermain di sebalik kegelapan
persis kanak-kanak
ia ke kiri dan ke kanan ku
mengganggu tidurku

t

should i take my time?

i've idled for too long. i gotta seize the day!






(i can't sleep at all. i hate this feeling.)

erase

should i succeed to erase you from my mind

i would feel as if i had wasted all these years, all these dreams

like it never mattered

like we never mattered



but it matters.

k

for me
friends can never take a lover's place

but for now
let us not take them for granted :)



i should open myself up to new ideas and new environments and new people

official

it was exactly one month ago
that i left

10 06 09

i remember every minute of it

thank you very much for fucking me up
it was bound to happen
sooner or later

i just didn't think it would be you

normal

life is normal again

pathetic

and i suddenly realise how pathetic all this is

thank You.

broken hearts band together

j: people say first love is hardest to forget. now i agree.

f: yes

j: ...

f: hang on there

warna

ever

some say love lasts forever

some say friendships last forever

some say nothing lasts, ever.



are we ever destined to be either alone or lonely?

i simply cannot accept this






and to be perfectly honest
you have damaged me beyond repair
it hasn't been easy.

satu bulan

zahir ku sihat namun emosi ku masih bercelaru
satu bulan aku merana dalam diam

bulan pun sudah mengambang

when it rains

it pours.
i feel incomplete.
but there is joy in freedom.

i may have lost the one i have ever loved
but at least
i haven't entirely lost myself

whatever traces
of which i have left
i am slowly regaining my life

and while i admit i've slipped
and did stupid things
i've friends who care

and i know you care, too.

"why wouldn't you take it?"

"i've seen enough people whose lives were destroyed by ice

they all say they can control themselves
but sometimes
life
gets out of control

and we slip

so please
stop asking me

it would be a mockery"

it's been a while since i've gone out

:)

so i've been going out
and to some friend's place
and
i've decided:

1. i'm not the most social creature. and i'm okay with that

2. i wanna be rich

not that i care about money
but i want that comfort
of worrying about one less thing

and there's another interesting bit
strange opportunities come by during holiday time
and they're not like, architecture related!

3. i want to live an interesting life

i wonder

"Persoalan ini yang membuatkan aku tertanya pada diri ku yang sememangnya aku sudah tahu aku sedang bermain dengan api. Apakah api ini nanti akan membakar diriku sendiri?. Aku tidak mahu pisang berbuah dua kali. Pengalaman lampau ku yang perit bermain di kepala ku. Tidak, aku tidak mahu perkara yang sama berlaku, jadi aku rela lepaskan segalanya"

if my expectations are unrealistic?

i love u
so much

there, i said it.

i don't care what anyone or you would say

i write what i feel

apparently

apparently, i have a stalker here ...

i wonder who

do not put all your eggs in one basket

friends
coffee
dinner
retail therapy
work opportunities
cigarettes
family.

call me a traditionalist. call me a prude.
but nothing beats good old fashioned fun. i haven't felt this free in a while now.

liberty

this is the "art de vivre"