a new year.

in the distance
there is color. sound.
a joyous celebration
of firecrackers, pachelbal's canon, and a dog named dorothy
but i cannot see past these tears
transiently captured by a glass wall
dripping. evaporating into nothing
sipping into my mind
playing over and over
draining the picture of its colors
trapping the melody in a vacuum

flowing down my cheeks.
the horizon is blurry and bleak

i am a mirror
with no semblance of substance
continuously reflecting, never its own
nonexistent on my own
will i forever remain in this perpetual state of uncertainty?
where "nothing is real, everything is imagined"?
a place of dreams
"only a sleeper considers it real"?
will you one day wake up from la casa?
the break of dawn shattering the promises of the night
chasing shadows into the depths of crevices

365

time flies
it has been exactly one year since i do
perhaps i should have felt stupid
but
i do
not

i am
stupid
i don't need to reassure myself of what is already written

rambling

words
can only say so much

it is not so much 'the word'
that carries the entire weight of its signification

but rather something else
that i am not exactly sure of

for example:
i can say 'i love you' to anyone

but it would not hold its true meaning
had i not meant it, had you not felt it

our own words often fail to express what we feel
thus, we seek refuge in abstractions

metaphors and quotations express the unexpressible
yet they conceal as much as they reveal

words. words.

three layers

nine

2009

hasn't been necessarily been kind to me

the year launched with a renewed commitment

which dissolved almost as quickly as it happened

leaving me almost completely battered and destroyed

six months of anguish, death, anger, emotional outbursts, betrayal

to the point that i felt that it was god's way

of punishing me for my pride

for the most part of the rest of year

i was going back and forth

between my self-destructive, needy ways and the need to get through uni

nevertheless

the year is coming to a close

and what a year has it been!

the grief subsided after five months, finally.

and

when i least expected

there you were

"like a rainbow after the storm"

corny, yes. but true nevertheless.

after so long circumstances have denied us

it happens

as if fate was waiting for the right time

still

it fears me to say how i really feel

so i hide behind abstract words of multiple interpretations

:)

but i do love you

horizon

it is the horizontal
that is not

where earth and sky meet
but at no point in contiguity

intimate
yet distant

like you and me
an abstract proximity

nothing else matters
in that moment where it exists

but the earth and the sky
but you and i

heat

the heat consumes
our desire for another

we are trapped
in space

the only savior of our intimacy;
the mirror

reflecting flickering light
in the ocean, its glistening horizon(s)

the thrill of
temporary solitude

of silk and sarong
flesh and blood