Monday, June 29, 2009


i understand pain

i understand lust

i understand loneliness

i understand mistakes

i understand insecurities

i understand the need for attention

i understand the want for independence

i understand love

what i understand and what i tolerate are two completely different things

no one can sympathize
my biggest flaw
is precisely my capacity to understand

for a while
i thought it was mere paranoia
but it is not, i discovered

"be a pragmatist"

a Pragmatist
with a capital-P"

"no one is

nothing shall

i am
a free spirit.

i understand everything now
thank You.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


"What do you know of Love except the name?
Love has a hundred forms of pride and disdain,
and is gained by a hundred means of persuasion.
Since Love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal:
it has no interest in a disloyal companion." --rumi

the first letter:

"Detik pertemuan membawa sinar harapan, pertemuan ini juga telah membuatkan aku lupa akan masa silan ku. Pintu hati ku kau buka selepas pertemuan kedua kalinya. Dakapan mesra kau, membawa seribu rahmat pada ku. Apakah aku sudah dibuai suatu perasaan yang boleh membawa kebahagian selamanya?. "

how do u expect me
to trust you
when you are not honest with yourself?

i detached myself
from the world
for you
and did everything
you wanted me to

you are
after all
my soulmate. always.

you are perfect. in my eyes.

except that one promise that i could not keep

i blamed
i felt so punished. so humbled by the experience.

i won't drown in my own cynicism
i wonder if there is any purpose to my being anymore?

god may have answered my questions
but it left
a gaping void in my heart.

i am nothing.

"but you have to live, f"

"you have to put yourself first"

i simply do not know how to ...

i failed.

today, god sent me an angel to heal my wounds

"no one is indispensable"

but it hurts. every time.

you have to live, f.

Friday, June 26, 2009

today, god has answered my prayers

aku tidak layak
all these blessings
surrender i shall
to the natural flow
of what i will become
i am so thankful
i cry every day
thanking you
i learn to stand up again
regain my dignity
my life

Thursday, June 25, 2009


are we all looking for love?
eternal love?
god's love?

miss u

so lonely

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


"setelah kupahami
ku bukan yang terbaik
yang ada di hatimu

tak dapat kusangsikan
ternyata dirinyalah
yang mengerti kamu
bukanlah diriku

kini maafkanlah aku
bila ku menjadi bisu
kepada dirimu

bukan santunku terbungkam
hanya hatiku berbatas
tuk mengerti kamu
maafkanlah aku

walau kumasih mencintaimu
kuharus meninggalkanmu
kuharus melupakanmu
meski hatiku menyayangimu
nurani membutuhkanmu
kuharus merelakanmu

dan hanyalah dirimu
yang mampu memahamiku
yang dapat mengerti aku

ternyata dirinyalah
yang sanggup menyanjungmu
yang lama menyentuhmu
bukanlah diriku"


"it's been too long and I'm lost without you
what am I gonna do?
said I been needing you, wanting you
wondering if you're the same and who's been with you
is your heart still mine?
i wanna cry sometimes
i miss you"

Monday, June 22, 2009

who for you

"if I could paint a sad goodbye;
i’d paint your eyes a clear blue sky.
pluck you grace from a pale faced moon
and slumber down this tattered room"


what i feel

stormy weather

"i want your warmth
but it will only make me colder
when it's over"

Sunday, June 21, 2009

physical deterioration

for the past month
my physical condition
was beginning to horrify my acquaintances
reality hit me
i stopped caring for myself

thank you

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Do You Love Me?

Do You Love Me?

A lover asked his beloved,
Do you love yourself more
than you love me?

The beloved replied,
I have died to myself
and I live for you.

I’ve disappeared from myself
and my attributes.
I am present only for you.

I have forgotten all my learning,
but from knowing you
I have become a scholar.

I have lost all my strength,
but from your power
I am able.

If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.


Monday, June 15, 2009

good morning

i wake up thinking of you. every day.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

i am so worthless

"On no soul does God place a burden greater than it can bear."

(al baqarah)

Friday, June 12, 2009

dwells in nothingness

mythologies imbue us with a sense of the truth
but they are just stories
narratives so hazed up
and indistinguishable from the "natural"