random thought

i was the eccentric, shy kid then
one day in high school
i decided to try out for the debating team
for whatever reason (i think it was impulse)
i shivered and shook and stuttered
but they chose me anyway
for whatever reason (token malay boy)
excluding me, you could consider us
a great team. also, a fresh team
no one had experience
our teachers didn't have experience
but i suppose charismatic enough to go all the way to the state finals
we lost the state finals. but that's okay
at that point in time, i never won anything
i never thought i could do anything, or be anything of value
and it had never mattered
...
it was from that i developed my sometimes ruthless character
i learned how to win arguments;
that it never is a matter of content, but form.
a friend commented once, that my confidence is one of my best traits
but underneath that surface
i still am, and will forever be the shy awkward boy
who feels rather than thinks, and never plans for anything







just because i can does not mean that i am.

people don't really change
they develop new traits, perhaps
old habits persists